3 Common Ways of Handling Stress That Can Make Things Worse for Mums

Let’s imagine you’ve just made it through a two-hour bedtime battle. One child refused to brush their teeth, another had a meltdown over the wrong pyjamas, and you ended up losing your patience. Now the house is finally quiet, but you can’t relax. You feel guilty for shouting and also a little resentful that your husband got to escape the chaos for a work function tonight.

So you call your best friend. For the next half an hour, you tell her everything your kids did that made the evening feel impossible. After receiving plenty of validation that you had every reason to stay annoyed, you hang up. But do you actually feel calmer? Probably not.

When we’re stressed, we naturally reach for things that offer immediate relief, but some ways of managing stress can actually keep us stuck.

In this blog, I’m going to unpack three common strategies that can backfire and look at why they don’t always work the way we expect them to.

When venting keeps you angry

There is a common idea that, when we feel anger and frustration, we need to get it off our chest and act on it in some way, for example by screaming into a pillow or hitting a punching bag. This comes from the catharsis theory, which suggests that expressing or releasing strong emotions such as anger can help reduce those feelings. While the idea makes sense in theory, research suggests otherwise.

In one experiment, participants received negative feedback that made them angry. They were then divided into three groups. The first group was asked to hit a punching bag while thinking about the person who had criticised them, the second group hit the punching bag while focusing on the physical activity, and the third group did nothing at all. Contrary to expectations, the participants who did nothing felt the least angry. The group who hit the punching bag while focusing on the exercise itself felt angrier, and the group who vented their anger by hitting the punching bag felt the angriest (Bushman, 2002). More recent research offers a possible explanation: activities that activate the body don’t seem to reduce anger, while calming activities such as yoga and meditation tend to work better (Kjærvik and Bushman, 2024).

Let’s take a concrete example. You come home furious because your manager scheduled another meeting on your day off. You call your partner, spend twenty minutes describing exactly how inconsiderate your manager is, then mentally rehearse the conversation another six times while making dinner. You may have “got it off your chest”, but your body is still completely wound up.

Now, let’s break down what happened. There was absolutely nothing wrong with telling your partner about what upset you. Talking things through can be a helpful way of managing stress, allowing you to process the situation, feel supported, and maybe get some valuable advice. There are a few things to be mindful of, though. How long do you dwell on the issue? And are you becoming more agitated as you talk about it? If your heart rate increases and your shoulders tense every time you mention what is bothering you, venting may actually add to your stress.

One strategy is to define a “venting window”. Let’s say you give yourself ten minutes to get it all out, and then you deliberately switch topics. If this is hard for you, you can ask your “venting partner” to keep you accountable and gently stop you from bringing up the stressful issue over and over once you’ve decided you’ve talked about it enough.

Even better, try to stay mindful of the sensations in your body. Notice whether you’re becoming tense or worked up, take a few slow breaths, and consciously help your body settle once you’ve finished talking it through.

When avoiding stress doesn’t make it disappear

You probably already know this: if something upsets or worries you, pretending everything is fine is unlikely to help in the long run. We don’t want to be ruled by our emotions, but there is value in acknowledging them and giving them some space instead of constantly trying to push them away.

Research on stress management in parenting also suggests that avoidance can backfire (Hastings et al., 2005; Benson, 2010). Maybe you stay at your laptop until 10pm because working feels easier than having that difficult conversation with your partner. Maybe you pour a glass of wine after yelling at the kids because it takes the edge off the guilt. Or maybe you scroll your phone the second you finally have five minutes alone because you don’t want to be left with your thoughts. You may have done one of these before, or used all three at different times. And you’re certainly not the only mum! These habits can help you feel better in the moment, but they are not sustainable ways of managing stress.

That said, temporary distraction isn’t necessarily unhealthy. Sometimes putting on a funny show after a horrendous day is exactly what you need. The problem isn’t taking a break from stress, it’s when escaping becomes the only way you

deal with it. If distraction becomes your go-to response, the underlying problem or unconfortable emotions are still there. At some point, you need enough space to notice what you’re feeling, process it, and decide whether anything actually needs to change.

You don’t have to analyse every emotion. Sometimes what helps is simply acknowledging what’s there and letting it be. Practices such as meditation and yoga can make this easier, because they give you an opportunity to slow down, reconnect with your body and observe what you’re feeling without immediately trying to get rid of it.

When trying to find certainty creates even more stress

Problem-solving can be a very useful way to manage stress when you have some control over the situation. And often, this involves collecting enough information to understand what is happening and decide what you can do. But there is a fine line between gathering enough context to make a decision and over-researching, overthinking, and constantly seeking reassurance.

Research suggests that repeatedly seeking reassurance can keep us in a heightened state of worry (Rector et al., 2019). Imagine your child has a slightly unusual rash. You Google it and decide to book a GP appointment. But you don’t stop there. You look through three parenting forums, then you send a photo to your sister, and then you ask your partner, “You really don’t think we need to worry?” Each answer gives you a tiny bit of relief, but every time you bring the issue back up, you may be reinforcing the idea that there is still something to worry about. If you’ve already booked a GP appointment, asking for other people’s opinions while you wait is unlikely to help.

Uncertainty is uncomfortable. But in some situations, if you try to get 100% certainty before you allow yourself to relax, you may end up holding onto the stress.

If you tend to over-research or seek reassurance from others, try to be mindful of the pattern. Notice when you genuinely need an answer you don’t have, and when you’re just double-checking or triple-checking because you can’t make the worry go away.

You might repeat a simple mantra such as: “I’ve got enough information for now. There is nothing more to be done in this moment, so the best thing I can do is focus on the present.”

In summary

Some of the habits you may have developed to manage the stress of life as a mum might feel like a good outlet in the moment, but actually add to the pressure over time.

My invitation is to start noticing your patterns. What do you turn to when everything feels a bit too much? Then, try to notice how you feel after after turning to that particular habit.

For instance, if you feel relieved after complaining to your friend about how impossible it is to get the kids out the door in the morning, that may be a good indication that talking things through with this friend works for you. However, if you feel even more drained after the conversation, even though your friend was supportive, it may be worth considering whether recounting every stressful detail is actually helping.

The same goes for other habits. If the knot in your stomach gets bigger every time you ask Google or ChatGPT for more advice about your situation, or if a glass of wine helps you fall asleep but you wake up with a terrible headache, those are useful signs to pay attention to.

As for healthier ways of managing stress, focusing on finding a solution is often the best approach when there is actually something you can do. Sometimes, though, the situation is simply outside your control and the challenge is to accept what you cannot change. In those moments, my favourite ways to stay grounded are exercise and mindfulness.

If this blog has made you realise that some of the ways you deal with stress might be keeping you stuck, but you’re not sure what would work better, that’s something we can explore together. In a coaching session, we can look at your current habits, what tends to trigger them, and find more supportive ways to handle stress that actually fit your life as a mum.

References

Benson, P. R. (2010). Coping, distress, and well-being in mothers of children with autism. Research in Autism Spectrum Disorders, 4(2), 217–228. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.rasd.2009.09.008

Bushman, B. J. (2002). Does venting anger feed or extinguish the flame? Catharsis, rumination, distraction, anger, and aggressive responding. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 28(6), 724–731. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167202289002

Hastings, R. P., Kovshoff, H., Brown, T., Ward, N. J., Degli Espinosa, F., & Remington, B. (2005). Coping strategies in mothers and fathers of preschool and school-age children with autism. Autism, 9(4), 377–391. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361305056078

Kjærvik, S. L., & Bushman, B. J. (2024). A meta-analytic review of anger management activities that increase or decrease arousal: What fuels or douses rage? Clinical Psychology Review, 109, 102414. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2024.102414

Rector, N. A., Katz, D. E., Quilty, L. C., Laposa, J. M., Collimore, K., & Kay, T. (2019). Reassurance seeking in the anxiety disorders and OCD: Construct validation, clinical correlates and CBT treatment response. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 67, 102109. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2019.102109