The Self-Care Habit Every Busy Mum Has Time For

You know that to take care of your little ones, you need to take care of yourself. But in the middle of busy mum life, even finding five minutes for yourself can be a challenge. And “self-care” can easily become just another thing you should be doing, and another thing you feel like you’re failing at.

In this blog, I’m exploring a self-care strategy that requires no extra time: changing the way you speak to yourself.

It’s about how you treat yourself while you’re doing all the things you already have to do. And don’t worry, I’m not going to ask you to force yourself to “think positively”. Instead, I’ll show you three small shifts in your self-talk that can help you bring a little serenity and maybe some joy into a stressful day.

Turn everyday moments into small acts of self-care

If you look at everything you do during your day, there are probably already tasks that you enjoy doing, even if you wouldn’t categorise them as “self-care”. It might be something as simple as having a shower, putting on some moisturiser, walking the dog, or taking the time to play with your children. These are all things you would do anyway, but you can change the way you look at them.

If you tell yourself, “This little moment is for me,” you reinforce the idea that you matter too. You also bring your attention to what you’re doing and give yourself a chance to actually enjoy it.

There’s a concept in psychology called “savouring”, which means deliberately directing your attention towards a positive experience to intensify the positive emotions associated with it. Research suggests that deliberately savouring positive experiences can increase positive emotions. In one study, when participants were asked to fully absorb themselves in an enjoyable activity, they commonly reported feelings of serenity, pride and satisfaction (Villani et al., 2023).

Maybe you need to pick up the kids from school (and self-care or not, you’d do it anyway). But what if you used the commute as a little bit of time for yourself? If you’re walking, it’s an opportunity to get some fresh air and move your body. If you’re driving, maybe you can put on your favourite song in the car. Instead of thinking of the school run as just another task to get through, you can tell yourself, “This is a nice little moment. I’m going to enjoy it.”

Changing the way you approach some of your daily tasks doesn’t require any extra time, but it can help you create a small window of calm in the middle of a hectic day.

When mum life feels overwhelming, talk to yourself using your own name

Picture this: it’s 7:45 in the morning and you’re already running late for a very important meeting. One child can’t find their shoes, while the other is having a meltdown because they’ve just realised their homework is due today… and there’s a lunchbox sitting half-packed on the kitchen bench! You can feel yourself getting more and more stressed.

Your thoughts might sound something like: “I can’t deal with this, I’m so stressed! I’m going to be late again!” Now imagine using your own name instead: “Camille is feeling really stressed right now because she’s running late.” This simple shift from first to third person can give you a little distance from what you’re feeling and make the situation feel less emotionally intense.

This concept is called distanced self-talk, and it can be a useful way to manage stress when you find yourself dwelling on something difficult. Research has found that using your own name and non-first-person pronouns can reduce how negatively you feel about stressful experiences. In one study, this worked when people reflected on both past experiences and things they were worried might happen in the future (Orvell et al., 2021).

You can also talk to yourself using the second person, especially when you need a little motivation or help figuring out what to do next. Back in that chaotic morning, you might say: “Camille, you’re really stressed right now. OK, what do you need to focus on first?” There’s some research behind this small shift too. In a series of experiments, people who used “you” rather than “I” in their self-talk performed better on a problem-solving task (Dolcos & Albarracín, 2014).

So next time you’re feeling overwhelmed by mum life, try using your own name when you talk to yourself. This tiny shift might create just enough distance to stop you from getting caught up in negative thoughts and focus on what you need right now.

Notice the “shoulds” behind your mum guilt

How often do you tell yourself, “I should do this,” “I have to,” or “I must”? There’s a sense of obligation that comes with these thoughts, and often an unspoken judgement that if you’re not doing what you should be doing, you’re somehow falling short.

The problem isn’t necessarily what you want or expect from yourself, it’s when that expectation begins to feel non-negotiable. Psychologist Albert Ellis described this as turning our preferences and desires into rigid demands about what “must”, “has to” or “absolutely should” happen. His work suggests that it’s this rigidity, rather than simply wanting something to be different, that can make our thoughts emotionally unhelpful (Ellis, 1962; as discussed in Dryden & Bond, 1994). And research seems to support this connection: these kinds of inflexible beliefs have been associated with anxiety and depression (Vîslă et al., 2016).

Take something as simple as wanting to be patient with your children. Being a calm and attuned mum is something worth striving for. But there’s a difference between thinking, “I’d like to be patient with my kids,” and “I should be patient with my kids.” The first statement expresses a desire whereas the second feels like a demand you place on yourself. And when you do lose your patience, that “should” can quickly become another reason to feel guilty.

So what can you do when you notice one of those “shoulds”? Try turning the demand back into a preference or an option. “I should make time for my partner” becomes “I’d like to make time for my partner”, “I should be more organised” becomes “I could be more organised”, “I should clean the house” becomes “it would be nice to clean the house”

Paying attention to the “shoulds” in your self-talk and reframing them into "I could” or “I’d like to” is a small act of self-care you can practise throughout your day.

You can still want to be a patient mum, have a tidy house and make time for the people you love. You’re just learning to pursue those things without using them as another measure of whether you’re a good enough mum.

Final thoughts

As a mum, you’re juggling so much to take care of the ones you love, and you deserve to have your cup filled too. While I do think it’s important to make time for “proper” self-care, like a yoga class, catching up with friends or reading a book under a tree, the realities of mum life don’t always leave space for it.

When your schedule feels too packed, micro acts of self-care can help ease some of the stress, and that includes the way you talk to yourself. Small shifts in your self-talk can shape the way you experience the moments that are already there: you can turn an everyday task into a peaceful moment for yourself, use your own name when talking to yourself to create some distance from overwhelming thoughts, and notice when a “should” is adding unnecessary pressure to your day.

None of these things will make mum life perfectly calm or stress-free. But they might help you treat yourself with a little more kindness as you move through it. And perhaps that’s one of the simplest forms of self-care for a busy mum: changing your self-talk doesn’t require any extra time, but it can lighten the emotional load when you’re already carrying so much.

If you’d like some support finding more balance between your job, family life and your own needs, I work with mums to explore ways to make more space for themselves and for the things they enjoy. If you’re curious about working with me, you can book a free 30-minute discovery call on Zoom to meet me, ask any questions and see whether coaching feels like the right fit for you.

References

Dolcos, S., & Albarracín, D. (2014). The inner speech of behavioral regulation: Intentions and task performance strengthen when you talk to yourself as a You. European Journal of Social Psychology, 44(6), 636–642. https://doi.org/10.1002/ejsp.2048

Dryden, W., & Bond, F. W. (1994). Reason and emotion in psychotherapy: Albert Ellis. The British Journal of Psychiatry, 164(1), 131–135. https://doi.org/10.1192/bjp.165.1.131

Orvell, A., Vickers, B. D., Drake, B., Verduyn, P., Ayduk, O., Moser, J., Jonides, J., & Kross, E. (2021). Does distanced self-talk facilitate emotion regulation across a range of emotionally intense experiences? Clinical Psychological Science, 9(1), 68–78. https://doi.org/10.1177/2167702620951539

Villani, D., et al. (2023). Savoring life during pandemic: An online intervention to promote well-being in emerging adults. BMC Psychology, 11, 196. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-023-01225-z

Vîslă, A., Flückiger, C., grosse Holtforth, M., & David, D. (2016). Irrational beliefs and psychological distress: A meta-analysis. Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics, 85(1), 8–15. https://doi.org/10.1159/000441231