Three Therapy Lessons that Healed my Relationships
Therapy changed my life. It allowed me to break free from unhealthy relationship patterns and build new ways of interacting with others where I could confidently honour myself. It was not an overnight transformation, it took over a year of regular sessions before I could clearly see the benefits. Because inner work happens slowly, quietly, below the surface…
This blog post is a personal one where I will share three of my main takeaways from the therapy room. These lessons continue to shape how I relate to others and, most importantly, to myself.
Adults are responsible for their own emotions
For a long time, I believed it was my job to keep the people around me happy, especially my partner. For every complaint he had, I would try to fix it, hoping he would finally be content. But no matter how much I gave, it was never quite enough. And over time, I grew exhausted, resentful, even bitter. The truth is: I wasn’t responsible for his happiness… and he wasn’t responsible for mine either!
Letting go of that responsibility was incredibly freeing. It didn’t mean I stopped caring, but it meant I could stop carrying someone else’s emotional load. I learned to sit with others’ discomfort without absorbing it. I could support someone without taking on their pain as mine.
It also changed how I related to my own emotions and, importantly, how I communicated them. Instead of saying: “You made me feel…”, I started implementing I statements: “I felt X when you did Y.” That small shift gave me back a sense of agency. I recognised that my emotions might be triggered by others, but they’re ultimately shaped by my past, my beliefs, and how I choose to respond.
Recognising that my emotions were my responsibility was the first step. Being able to handle them and express them in an appropriate way was the most meaningful transformation (but to be fully honest, this one is still a work in progress - I don’t always respond in the way I’d like to!). I found mindfulness practices such as meditation very helpful for this. By sitting still in silence, I learned to reconnect with my body and notice when emotions were bubbling up. Breathing exercises became easier and easier, allowing me to pause and step back as needed.
2. Blame is a dead end
There was a toxic pattern in my past relationship: we blamed each other for everything. Even the small, everyday inconveniences that are just part of life somehow became someone’s fault.
Once, I left for a quick walk, trusting that our baby would stay asleep. Of course, the baby woke up and cried. My partner called me angrily, shouting: “You told me she would be asleep!” When I shared the incident with my therapist, I found myself trying to justify it: “It was just 10 minutes! I’d just breastfed! I really needed a break…” But my therapist gently interrupted me, not to validate or condemn either side, but to point out the bigger issue: the blame game. We were both trapped in it, and it was making everything worse.
Recognising that helped me in two ways.
First, I started taking responsibility only for what was truly mine, not for someone else’s reactions or emotions. I stopped feeling guilty for not anticipating every single thing that could go wrong. Life happens (and babies cry) and it doesn’t always have to be on me. Funny enough, when we take shame out of the equation, things don’t escalate so quickly. I believe I’ve saved myself from several arguments simply by no longer feeling the need to justify my actions.
Second, I stopped blaming others for my own discomfort and began looking for healthier ways to cope or problem-solve. Yes, the house was a mess! Yes, I was overwhelmed and sleep-deprived! But blaming my partner for this didn’t help. I had choices: I could ignore the mess, gently ask my partner to contribute or suggest hiring a house keeper… Blame wasn’t helping anyone; it was just keeping us stuck.
3. It’s Okay to Be Needy
The first time my therapist asked me, “What would make you feel good right now?”, I had no idea how to answer. I was so disconnected from my body, from myself. I just knew I was exhausted, tense, and constantly on edge. And I felt guilty about it. After all, wasn’t I supposed to feel happy just being a mum? Wasn’t this meant to be enough?
But the truth was, I had needs… unmet needs that were simmering under the surface and erupting in frustration, often toward my partner.
Therapy helped me reconnect with my needs. First by learning to tune into my body and notice what it was telling me. Then, by finding ways to meet those needs, either on my own or by asking for support. The asking part was hard, especially in a relationship where even small requests were met with accusations like “You’re too needy.”
And then my therapist said something that shifted everything: “What if you were needy? What’s wrong with that?”. She encouraged me to own my “neediness”. She made me assertively say, “Yes, I am needy!”
That moment was liberating. Because of course I had needs and this was not something to be ashamed of. I’m human. Ultimately, as an adult it was my own responsibility to meet my needs. But this did not mean I had to do it alone, I could surround myself with the right people who would be able to support me.
Final Thoughts
I rarely left a therapy session feeling like I’d had an amazing breakthrough. A couple of times, I sensed I was beginning to see things from a different angle, but it was never a clear-cut shift. Change happened very gradually, so slowly that I barely noticed it. Then one day, I looked back and realised just how far I had come.
I ultimately left the unhealthy relationship I was in, and that decision became part of the healing. But it wasn’t the only piece of the puzzle, because many toxic patterns hadn’t been specific to that relationship alone.
In the end, I don’t think I could have formed such a loving relationship with my husband or built the blended family we now cherish without the growth I experienced in therapy.