Three Examples of When Mum Guilt Isn’t Serving You

Most working mums feel a sense of guilt almost every day. Whether it’s the pang that comes with dropping your child off at daycare and heading to work, or the tension of leaving work early to pick them up… no matter what you do, it can feel like you’re always letting someone down.

But is it really something you’ve done wrong? Of course not! It’s simply what happens when you’re trying to juggle so much at once.

Sometimes, guilt can be a helpful signal. If you notice it when you’re not fully present with your children, it might be a gentle nudge to protect meaningful time with them.

But more often than not, this feeling of guilt isn’t actually helping you. It tends to come from external expectations you may have internalised, expectations that don’t reflect your own values. Do you really believe you have to sacrifice yourself completely for your children or otherwise you’ll “mess them up”? Probably not. And yet, you might still feel guilty for taking time for yourself, simply because these unrealistic ideas of motherhood are so deeply ingrained that they can be very loud in your subconscious.

In this blog, I’d like to walk you through three examples of when that guilt isn’t serving you.

When mum guilt negatively impacts your wellbeing

We hear it all the time: “Put your own mask on first.”But as a mum, that can feel almost impossible. Even if it makes perfect sense on a logical level, it still doesn’t feel “right”. That’s because the idea that you need to fill your own cup first clashes with the unrealistic (and harmful) expectation that a mother should give everything to her children.

Because, of course, when you take time for yourself, that’s time you’re not spending with your family. And then those nagging thoughts creep in: Am I being selfish? Should I be with them? What if they need me?

At first, it doesn’t seem like a big deal. Skipping your yoga class this week feels harmless. But it rarely stops there. Catching up with a friend gets pushed back because your toddler has been extra clingy. You cancel your walk because you feel like you should use this time to cook something healthy for dinner. And little by little, you start letting go of those moments that were just for you…

If you let that guilt take over, it can slowly pull you away from the things that make you happy. Of course, there is so much joy to be found in motherhood, but it’s also completely normal to seek fulfillment outside of it. If you don’t make time for those little things that make you feel alive, you might start to become a shell of who you are, disconnected from the person you used to be. And when exhaustion and resentment build up, when it feels like you have to sacrifice yourself, it becomes much harder to enjoy motherhood.

Maybe your toddler gets a little more of your time because you didn’t catch up with your friend, but will that really benefit him in the long term? Probably not. What will make a difference is having a mum who feels energised, present, and like herself. Those small moments of self-care, when you trust that your family will be okay without you, are what allow you to keep showing up as the calm, connected mum you want to be.

So next time you wonder whether you should take some time for yourself, do it! Do it with guilt, but do it anyway. Because more than a mum who is always available, what your family needs is one who feels happy and healthy. And the more you make a habit of giving yourself those moments, the more that guilt will start to fade.

When mum guilt stops you from getting help

Another very pervasive aspect of the “good mother” myth is the belief that you’re supposed to manage everything on your own. Nothing could be further from the truth. Every mum needs her village. Unfortunately, that village isn’t always readily available. That’s why it’s important to create your own support system. Part of that is learning to ask for help, and to receive it.

“I could do it myself.” How often does that thought pop up? It can feel almost automatic. Maybe it’s, “No, I don’t need a cleaner, I can clean the house myself.” Maybe it’s your in-laws offering to come over and cook dinner, and you reply, “That’s okay. Please come over, I’ll take care of dinner.” Or maybe you don’t ask your partner to take on more of the household tasks because you feel like, as the mother, you should be able to “handle it”.

Of course, there may be real obstacles beyond guilt when it comes to getting help. The people around you might not be very supportive, or simply not available. Financially, it might not feel possible to hire help right now. And those are all valid reasons.

But sometimes, it’s simply guilt. You might think, “Why would I spend money on a cleaner when I could just do it myself?” And yes, money can be tight. Yet in some cases, you could afford it, and it would give you back a couple of hours in your week to finally breathe a little. And if you’re intentional about how you use that time, it can end up being worth far more than the money spent on the cleaner. You could choose to spend those few hours on self-care, quality time with your kids, or developing your career. Any of these can help you feel more fulfilled, which ultimately benefits your whole family.

So if something is making your life easier but you feel reluctant to embrace it, ask yourself what is stopping you. And if it’s guilt, or this internal voice whispering “as a mum, I should be able to do it myself,” perhaps it’s time to let that go. Because, what is it costing you to try to do everything alone? Is it really worth sacrificing your mental and physical health?

Remember this: You’re allowed to make things easier for yourself. And accepting help doesn’t take anything away from your children; it allows you to be more present for them, from a place of calm and contentment.

When mum guilt limits your loved ones’ confidence and independence

What happens when helping too much starts holding your loved ones back?

As your children grow, they develop independence. But for that, they need to be able to make mistakes and experience the natural consequences of those mistakes.

If you expend all your energy picking up after your children (or your partner) and sorting things out for them, it becomes much harder for them to learn to do it on their own. They may start to expect that mum will take care of it anyway. But more importantly, they won’t develop the confidence that they can actually do it themselves.

Let’s take an example with your partner first. Maybe your child is still small, and your partner works full-time so they haven’t yet had the opportunity to spend a couple of hours alone with your little one. You might feel anxious about letting that happen. But how can they learn to parent if they always rely on you for everything? By taking time for yourself outside the house, you’re actually giving your partner an opportunity to build their own special bond with your child.

It’s no different with your children. You need to let them experiment, make mistakes, and learn, even when every instinct in you wants to step in and fix it for them. This could look like no longer rescuing them by making an extra trip to school to bring the sports uniform they forgot to pack. It might mean trusting them with the responsibility of cleaning up their lunchbox.

In all these examples, mum guilt might trick you into believing that if something “bad” happens, it will be your fault. But should you really be held responsible for everything that happens in the house?

Maybe your partner spends 15 minutes trying to figure out where the nappies are, with a crying baby in their arms. Yes, it might be stressful for them, but after that they’ll know they can manage on their own. Perhaps your child has to skip sport or do it in formal clothes, but next time they’ll remember to pack their uniform. Or it could be that your teen realises in the morning that their lunchbox is still dirty, and they end up being late for school. That experience will likely prompt them to develop strategies to remember to wash it in the evening (unless they enjoy being late, but that’s another topic).

So yes, things will probably get messy. Yes, your family might blame you, and that might feel uncomfortable. This is part of raising confident and independent individuals, even if it doesn’t always feel easy. Your children (and partner) will learn. They will figure it out. They are resourceful, and you can trust that they will find a way. And when that little voice whispers, “I should have done it, now they’re in trouble because of me,” take a step back and remind yourself that this discomfort is actually part of helping them grow.

In conclusion, mum guilt can feel really intense, but it can be misleading. What you’re trying to do (and what makes you feel guilty) is often the best choice. A helpful way to shift that critical voice is to start noticing your self-talk. If you’d like to explore this further, check out my previous blog.

Want to explore this further?
Join me for my next webinar:

How to Set Boundaries as a Mum Without Feeling Like You’re Letting Everyone Down.
We’ll talk about how to set boundaries without letting guilt take over
Register here